Heidi Montag Desperate for Relevance, Chats About Her Boobs

Heidi Montag thinks talking about her breasts will get our attention.  I’ll admit, that did put her back on the radar. The 23-year-old reality TV personality  is desperate to remove the ludicrous G size breast implants that she had fitted last November. This despite shortly after the operation saying that she wanted to go still bigger, up to an H cup.

The expressionless Montag complains that she is unable to hug her four dogs and is only able to wear special custom made clothing: ‘I’m obsessed with fitness but it’s impossible to work out with these boobs’ she says. ‘It’s heartbreaking. I can’t live an everyday life.’  ‘I’m desperate to go back to normal,’ she told Life & Style magazine. ‘I’m downgrading and going a little smaller, to a D or a double D.’

Montag is currently shopping for a doctor in South America but is worried that she will be trapped with her new body forever following the death of her last plastic surgeon, Dr. Frank Ryan, who died in a car accident on August 17.  He was reportedly Tweeting while driving and lost control of his Jeep.

Its really hard to see where the bigger tragedy is… Heidi trapped “forever” with her enormous twin fun bags or Ryan not having the sense to put down his iPhone to negotiate that curve on the Pacific Coast Highway.

Montag claims she wants to live a simple life in Costa Rica. ‘I just really want to get out of Hollywood. I don’t have anything back home: no family, no friends.’

Translation: I have no career, those bastards at MTV canceled The Hills.  I’m no longer America’s reality sweetheart, that bitch Snookie is.  Boo Hoo!

Keep in mind that Heidi has a very small window to remind us of how awesome she is.  Lindsay Lohan is out of jail and out of the spotlight in psychotherapy and addiction counseling until November.

Meanwhile estranged husband Spencer’s idea for extending their 15 minutes of fame is to sell a sex tape.  Spencer is claiming to have sex tapes of his wife before and after her multiple plastic surgeries, and one of her and Playboy Playmate Karissa Shannon.

So he has reportedly joined Heidi.  That’s right they have signed divorce documents but were seen together in Costa Rica last Sunday by TMZ.com, fuelling rumours that the whole separation/sex tape controversy is nothing more than a publicity stunt to get them out of d-list celebrity limbo.

But Spencer claims the meeting was an opportunity to try and win Heidi back.

‘I had to bring the puppies down and help them move in,’ he tells People Magazine. “[Heidi] thought I was going to leave, but I’m not. I didn’t want to get divorced … I have nothing in Malibu, I’m homeless, I’m nothing without her.’

Wow.  He actually gets it.