For College Freshmen, Cursive is Dead and Fergie Can Sing

Each August since 1998, Beloit College has released the Beloit College Mindset List. It provides a look at the cultural touchstones that shape the lives of students entering college this fall. It was originally created as a reminder to faculty to be aware of dated references, and quickly became a catalog of the rapidly changing worldview of each new generation. The Mindset List website at www.beloit.edu/mindset.

For these students, Benny Hill and Sam Kinison have always been dead.  So they’ll never know classic British comedy– I really feel that you need both a grounding in Benny Hill and Monty Python to truly appreciate the Brits.  Sam Kinison… crass, loud, and always funny.  Its a sad that kids use Dane Cook and comedian in the same sentence today.

Me personally?  The list reminds me that I’m aging and am well on my way to being a crotchety old guy.  It helps highlight why we’re probably doomed as a society if these kids are supposed to become our best and brightest.  Somethings on the list seemed absolutely shameful; other items it seems preferable that they nothing about them.

Shameful…

1. Few in the class know how to write in cursive.

Which is a shame.  Handwriting analysis has been helpful for decades in separating out the sociopaths from the psychopaths.  What will we do now?  See who uses really aggressive emoticons when they text?

7. “Caramel macchiato” and “venti half-caf vanilla latte” have always been street corner lingo.

Really?  I think it depends on the corner you grew up on.  I’m thinking dime-bag might still beat out macchiato.

11. John McEnroe has never played professional tennis.

McEnroe has been reduced to a pitchman for a car rental company; but back in the day he defined what it meant to be a winner.  He fought with the referees, he showed genuine emotion.  Could he be a sore loser? Sure… back when we were allowed to have losers.  All these kids know now are “participation ribbons” so that nobody gets their feeling hurt.  Coffee is for closers!  Oh, wait they don’t even drink normal coffee.

12. Clint Eastwood is better known as a sensitive director than as Dirty Harry.

This one is too far fetched.  There are way too many airings of Clint’s westerns on cable TV.  Also Dirty Harry still holds up as a great action flick.  There’s no way they can be that clueless.

15. Colorful lapel ribbons have always been worn to indicate support for a cause.

I do miss people actually understanding and expending some effort to support whatever cause they were protesting or supporting.  Now all social and political causes have been reduced to a colored “awareness ribbon” or lapel pin with all of the power of “Have a nice day”.

19. They never twisted the coiled handset wire aimlessly around their wrists while chatting on the phone.

No, they will never know that joy. But we know that this next generation is already suffering hearing loss (up +30% for teenagers) and probably will have brain tumors thanks to always using cordless or wireless phones pressed upside their heads.

28. They’ve never recognized that pointing to their wrists was a request for the time of day.

No way I’m buying this one.  Sure they can’t be bothered to pull their pants up.  But they know what a freaking wristwatch is even if they don’t wear one.

38. Bud Selig has always been the Commissioner of Major League Baseball.

To grasp why this is shameful just look at over-expansion of the league, drug scandals, labor unrest, and the inability to incorporate meaningful instant replay technology.

51.  Food has always been irradiated.

And we pretend that we don’t understand why there are so many cancers and why health care cost so much.

58. Beethoven has always been a dog.

And they were such crap movies, with sequels no less.  What the hell happened to Charles Grodin.  He was awesome in the 1970s and then the comeback in Midnight Run.  Why the sell out and the freaky plastic surgery?

Probably for the best…

16. Korean cars have always been a staple on American highways.

Can you really argue against a ten year warranty for a Kia or a Hyndai?

18. Fergie is a pop singer, not a princess.

Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York really wasn’t able to comport herself as a royal.  And then after the divorce, being a spokesperson for Weight Watchers, then trying to sell access to her ex for  £500,000, going on Oprah for a mea culpa.  In words attributed to Queen Victoria, “We are not amused.”

21. Woody Allen, whose heart has wanted what it wanted, has always been with Soon-Yi Previn.

I try to block this little factoid out, when it comes up.  Although it doesn’t keep Match Point off my 25 best films list.

32. Czechoslovakia has never existed.

Because its really hard to spell.

39. Pizza jockeys from Domino’s have never killed themselves to get your pizza there in under 30 minutes.

Less exciting, but much safer in the long run.  Now we just have to dodge nimrods on cellphones trying to make u-turns while holding a latte.