Ig Nobel awards: The gas-mask bra and the best beer bottle for fighting

The Ig Nobels, or Igs, are an annual exercise in irreverence that celebrates research that “cannot, or should not, be repeated”.   They are given to scientists whose results first make people laugh, and then make them think.  This year’s ceremony took place at Harvard University, with the coveted prizes handed out by real Nobel laureates.

The event is hosted by the Harvard-based journal Annals of Improbable Research, and is timed to coincide with the far more lucrative and legitimate Nobels, which were announced in Stockholm today. The 2009 Ig Nobel awards were:

Public health prize
Awarded to Dr. Elena Bodnar, for patenting a bra that, in an emergency, can be converted into a pair of gas masks, one for the owner and one for a needy bystander. “It was inspired by the Chernobyl nuclear accident,” said Bodnar, who is originally from Ukraine. “This way, the mask is always readily available.”

What I think: Life saving lingerie, that’s ingenious– a bra with cups that double as gas masks.  This is when you want to have some well endowed female friends around for that surprise chemical weapons attack.

Veterinary medicine prize
Catherine Douglas and Peter Rowlinson at Newcastle University’s school of agriculture share the award for the groundbreaking discovery that giving cows names such as Daisy increases their milk yield.  “It’s the highlight of my career,” said Douglas. “The work amused the public, but it addressed a serious issue about the welfare of animals and points to an easy way to improve yields by reducing stress in cattle.”

What I think: I wonder does it matter what name you give the cow?  Does the cow need to be fluent in language of its milker?  Do cows have a preference as to the type of name… do they like old school like Gertrude or trendy like Brittney?  Will the cow respond when called and do tricks?

Peace prize
Awarded for research on whether it is better to be smashed over the head with a full beer bottle or an empty one, the prize went to Stephan Bolliger and colleagues at the University of Bern in Switzerland. “Empty beer bottles are sturdier than full ones,” the researchers reported. “However, both full and empty bottles are theoretically capable of fracturing the human neurocranium.”

What I think:  Sounds like the full beer bottle is the one you want to chance getting hit with.  Where did they carry out this research?  I wasn’t aware that the Swiss were such a bar brawling lot that broke beer bottles over each others heads with such frequency that this study was needed.

Medicine prize
To Donald Unger, a doctor in Thousand Oaks, California, who cracked the knuckles of his left hand, but never those on his right, every day for 60 years to investigate whether it caused arthritis. Unger, now 83, said: “After 60 years, I looked at my knuckles and there’s not the slightest sign of arthritis. I looked up to the heavens and said: ‘Mother, you were wrong, you were wrong, you were wrong.’ “

What I think:  Wow, 83 years old and this guy still has mommy issues.

Chemistry prize
Javier Morales shares the award with two colleagues at the National University of Mexico for turning the national drink, tequila, into diamonds. Thin films of diamond were produced by heating 80%-proof tequila blanco in a pressure vessel.

What I think:  So if I suck on it, will it taste like tequila?

Physics prize
Awarded to Katherine Whitcome at the University of Cincinnati and colleagues for a detailed explanation of why pregnant women do not topple over. “Pregnancy presents an enormous challenge for the female body,” Whitcome explained. “It turns out that enhanced curvature and reinforcement of the lower spine are key to maintaining normal activities during pregnancy.”

What I think:  How hard was that to figure out?  They have a lower center of gravity, hence they don’t fall over.

Biology prize
Fumiaki Taguchi, Song Guofu and Zhang Guanglei of Kitasato University graduate school of medical sciences in Japan share the prize for demonstrating that kitchen waste can be reduced by more than 90% by using bacteria extracted from giant panda excrement. Taguchi suspected panda faeces must contain bacteria capable of breaking down even the hardiest of foods because of the bear’s vast consumption of bamboo.

What I think: I wonder if these guys cruised bars in Tokyo trying to pick up women.

Woman in bar: What do you do?
Scientist: I’m a research scientist.
Woman in bar: Oh. (bored)
Scientist: I work with pandas.
Woman in bar: Oh, their so cute! (excited)  What do you do with them?
Scientist: I examine their feces to see if it can eat bacteria.
Woman in bar: I’m not really into that kind of thing.

Mathematics prize
Awarded to Gideon Gono, governor of Zimbabwe’s Reserve Bank, for giving people a simple way of dealing with a wide range of numbers. Gono ordered his bank to print notes with denominations ranging from one cent to one hundred trillion dollars.

What I think:  Why is there a prize for hyperinflation?  What else was he going to do print smiley faces on the currency?

Literature prize
Awarded to the entire police force of Ireland for issuing more than 50 penalties to a man they supposed to be the most persistent driving offender in the country: a Mr Prawo Jazdy, whose name in Polish means “driver’s licence”. An investigation held earlier this year revealed officers had mistakenly taken down the wrong details from motorists’ documents.

What I think: Why is this literature?  Did they write the tickets in rhyming verse?

Economics prize
Awarded to the directors, executives and auditors of four Icelandic banks: Kaupthing bank, Landsbanki, Glitnir bank and Central Bank of Iceland, “for demonstrating that tiny banks can be rapidly transformed into huge banks, and vice versa – and for demonstrating that similar things can be done to an entire national economy”.

What I think: A prize for failure.  Hey kids, go to school, be a “C “student, go into high finance, and bankrupt your country with your own greed and stupidity for not understanding the failure of the complex mathematical formulas you were using to make billions of dollars.